Pikes Peak 2023: The 7 Awards you Missed

June 25th 2023 saw the 101st running of the Pikes Peak International Hill Climb, the gnarly 12.4 mile time trial that rises to an altitude of 14,115 feet. Situated deep in the Rocky Mountains in Colorado, Pikes Peak’s combination of tight hairpins, flat-out sweepers and constantly rising gradient has yielded some of the most radical, uncompromising race cars to touch tarmac. Since 1916, daredevil drivers from across the globe have lined up at the base of the mountain knowing that only the finest combination of human and machine will reach the summit in one piece.

Overall victory this year was achieved by 35-year old Robin Chute in what is his fourth win in the last five years (bit greedy if you ask me). Although he wasn’t able to beat the all time hillclimb record of 7:57.148 set by Romain Dumas, his 2.1-litre Honda-powered Wolf TSC-FS managed to pull a seven second gap over the closest competitor and averaged 83 mph. Quite fast enough I think you’ll agree.

Whilst Robin glugs his champagne (or Monster Energy or whatever these adrenaline junkies consume), I will proceed to cover the awards that may have been overshadowed by the outright win. Awards that aren’t necessarily down to outright speed. Awards that I definitely haven’t just made up on my lunch break. And the first category is…

Best for Driving Grandma to Church: 2022 Mazda 3

Awarded four out of five stars by What Car?, the Mazda 3 is a great all-rounder with superb standard equipment, an unmatched build quality for its price point and efficient SkyActiv X petrol engines. Perfect for Grandma to potter around in!

Sure, the version that competed at Pikes Peak this year may have some, erm, “non-OEM” features. Features such as a rear-wheel drive conversion, wide-body kit and six-speed sequential gearbox. But I’m sure Grandma won’t notice.

And there’s no need to worry Grandma about the difference between the standard 4-cylinder engine and this version’s 4-rotor engine. The mild bump in power, 1222 bhp over stock to be precise, should provide some extra oomph en route to the bingo. Might I suggest turning those hearing aids off first though.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mMEJmZXKlVw&ab_channel=ToyoTireU.S.A.Corp

Best Wing: 2013 Ford Open Vahsholtz Custom

As Pikes Peak takes place at such high altitude, the air at the top of the track is considerably thinner than the air at sea level. Therefore, the cars need much larger aero devices than a traditional racecar in order to produce the same amount of downforce. Or something like that. I don’t know, ask a physicist.

The Vahsholtz Custom, driven by Codie Vahsholtz to a first-place finish in class, is part experimental aircraft and part snowplough with a human being squished somewhere in between. What you may not realise is that it is also part bicycle. No, Codie doesn’t have superhuman quads to pedal this beast to the summit. That giant rear wing uses a pair of mountain bike shocks to adjust its angle as speed increases. Your move, Adrian Newey. The front wing is akin to something you’d find mounted to the rear of an LMP1 racecar and requires two cable supports to keep it from violently burying itself into the asphalt.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zdvhmDLvwbQ&t=207s&ab_channel=PikesPeakInternationalHillClimb

The Fastest and Furiousest: 2001 Honda S2000

I think it’s fair to say that all cars that attended Pikes Peak this year were both fast and, indeed, furious. However, this category isn’t about outright speed. Instead, we’re talking about which car would slot best alongside Mr. Diesel at the starting line of a Fast and Furious movie before tearing up the streets of L.A. (or the moon or wherever they’ve moved onto now).

Brett Dickie’s Honda certainly fits the bill. Not quite as pink as Suki’s S2000 in the first movie but unquestionably faster, Brett’s 800 bhp bewinged slice of JDM slung him up the hill to 27th place, a strong midfield position. However, it’s the combination of bodykit, wing and massive Garrett turbo that would impress Vin the most and therefore deserves this award.

Fingers crossed he turns up next year with neon underglow.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgwiHHHqx4g

Largest Contribution to Global Warming: 2010 Nissan GT-R

The Nissan GT-R isn’t exactly the last word in environmentally conscious vehicles with a 3.5 litre twin-turbo V6, but I’m sure you could do a lot worse. So how is it that Cole Powelson is picking up this prestigious award?

Well. Cole decided, presumably after consuming a heroic quantity of narcotics, that he would bin the 3.5 litre V6 and replace it with a 6.0 litre diesel Ford Powerstroke V8. Yes, an oil-burning GT-R. To produce Pikes Peak levels of horsepower, Cole threw on two turbos for unholy boost and eight heat exchangers to stop the whole thing turning into molten iron soup.

There were two other diesel entries to this year’s contest but the GT-R wins simply due to the sheer quantity of pollution it emits. This mobile fumigator dumps such a trail of black smoke that wherever Cole drives, a fresh tear in the ozone layer follows closely behind. See for yourself at last year’s race:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ll7nprM1Z8Y&t=613s&ab_channel=LYFEMotorsport

Best for Moving Large Items of Furniture: Ford Performance E-Transit Supervan 4

You can’t beat a Ford Transit when it comes to hauling tradies and their tools. They’re as embedded within British culture as the Royal Family and Wetherspoons. For decades they’ve proven their ability to carry furniture without breaking a sweat, so this award is obvious.

Sabine Schmitz proved that the humble Transit can also put in a shift around a race track, but this example at Pikes Peak is on an entirely different plane. Battery power, all-wheel drive and 1400 bhp give this Transit every right to hog the right-hand lane.

Up front, an enormous splitter is grafted to its chin. More aero trickery is present along its flanks. And round the back ther- wait, wait, wait. Where’s the van bit gone? It seems Ford has removed the very essence of what makes this van a ‘van’ in the name of aero, replacing the cargo area with swoopy carbon bodywork. No furniture fitting in there.

Award rescinded.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3D4IbrbxDp0&ab_channel=OutofSpecGuide

Best Impression of a WW2 Battleship: BMW XM Red Label

Credit: carscoops.com

Credit: BMW

I’m sure you’re all saying the same thing. “I thought the Bismarck sank 80 years ago!” Friends, I urge you to look closer. For this isn’t a Nazi battleship, but rather the BMW XM.

Easy mistake to make so I’ll forgive you. BMW’s V8 hybrid SUV was probably the largest and most out-of-place vehicle to take to the mountain this year. People tend to gravitate towards this thing - not because they’re interested, but because it is so massive it can bend space and time.

The similarities between this behemoth and the Bismarck are quite astonishing. Both have matching grey paintwork (and red detailing too), both weigh in the region of 50,000 tonnes and both would be quite scary to see in your rear-view mirror on the M4. The similarities don’t stop there as, much like the battleship, the XM met a rather unfortunate end, veering off-track and receiving some serious race-ending damage.

Oh well. One fewer XMs on the road is hardly something to complain about.

Best for Evading the LAPD: 1994 Ford Bronco

Are you a former NFL running back who may (or may not) have recently committed first-degree murder? Well, do I have the racecar for you!

This is Jimmy Ford’s 1994 Ford Bronco and as you can probably tell, it’s far from stock. Socking great V8 up front, big wing out back and a driver with nerves of steel in the middle, this contraption came home 16th, beating an Acura NSX and BMW M8.

OJ’s infamous 1994 police chase through the streets of L.A. was a bizarre affair, lasting two hours and involving twenty police vehicles. I imagine the whole thing would’ve been over within two minutes had OJ been in the back of Jimmy’s Bronco. Good thing he wasn’t!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=14JLWA9fkuA&ab_channel=PikesPeakInternationalHillClimb

Thus concludes the alternative awards ceremony for this year’s Pikes Peak hillclimb. Join us next year to see who will win the Most Impressive Steering Wheel Award and other utter nonsense.